Cant i make you happy?

"Don't say sorry to me, say sorry to yourself, say sorry for hurting yourself for so long that it hurts to stop hurting."

How can you forgive yourself? Especially when it doesn't 'feel' wrong. Its real hard to explain...

Like I don't know how to react when someone tells me that.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Feeling down

Eh. I'm feeling a little down. I Read some passages in my old diary I wish that I didn't

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Cosmoitalian

I so happened to pick up the magazine yesterday at the grocery store. I never really looked at That magazine till now. (Being that I'm into hair I always picked up the hair magazines)

Bit hot damn. If all there issues are like this I recommend that y'all take a look. The sex tips are amazing. And the diet plans mostly seem to revolve around healthy fasting (in this current issue)

Kinky softy likely this magazine. Bahaha

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New day

Ahaha a new day and I've lost all I gained and more from not eating yesterday....wait no! I take that back I had a few spoon fulls of ice cream haha but I'm happy I lost it.

Thank you slim quick diet pills. Lol good for short term use but long term not really. It really just helps me get rid of water.

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Thinspo

 Watch "ultimate thinspo !" on YouTube 

Lovely

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Food fucking network!

Sorry but I'm like sitting on the couch listening to dot dot curve watching food and damn.

I did not eat anything and I decided to fast so this is just a little challenge.

Teehee

Stay strong move on.

Food you can't control my kinkyness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Spoil me music

Well its funny that I can walk around a grocery store for hours but when it comes to iTunes I can drop 60$ in under 25 minutes.

Oh boy is my dad gonna be happy when he sees what I put on his plastic.

But I'm his little princess and besides I don't ask for much as well. And I give him all my paychecks!!!

I deserve a treat! Even if its not sweet!

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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My beautiful rescue

 Watch "My Beautiful Rescue Renovated this Providence" on YouTube 

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24hrs

I'm still up from 6:30 a.m. yesterday. Am I that paranoid I can't sleep? Fml.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Threw away my home made lunch

I failed so bad today I said 'fuck it' and threw away my home lunch for my Grandmas house.

I can't handle this.

So I took a diet pill. That always makes me feel better but I'm gonna try and stay strong tomorrow.

Please wish me luck

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Binge

Like what the hell I know I got my period and all but fuck.

1/2 a sandwich

Pretzels

4 Bites of a bagel.

What the FUCK is wrong with me????

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Come on sun

Isn't it typical the moment you build up the courage to put on a bikini and sun tan a damned cloud goes right over the sun. Geesh  I thought this was Paradise.

Where's my SUN I'm not going to sit here like a beached whale.

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Promise me.

Gosh damn. I hate when I make promises specially When it has Do do with this...I always use to pride myself on how well I can keep a promise. But this promise is like twisting my arm and force feeding me. I just don't know.

I go by rules in my life. And when those rules are challenged Its hard for me to adjust.

Mostly it just makes me angry or hurt. Its Like its bending a price of rubber. Bend it all you want but it will flex itself back to its original formation...even with stress and pressure applied to it.

You can punish me. I'm just not so sure if a promise like this could change me. Or maybe I don't want it to.

Weighed I'm still the same weight. And I'm stressing over the fact I'm going to grandmas tomorrow she's gonna force feed me with her love and cookies.

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Lier. Lier. Pants on fire.

I'm lieing to my Guy friend about eating. I feel awful but. It has to be done. I can't not be in control.

I can handle this. Ana is my life how do you make a blind man see? And no corrective eye surgery is not a option.

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Down

Well I'm glad I lost a pound. Today but still up one pound gosh.

And I'm stressing that on Sunday I got to go to my Grandmas house. And she always makes me eat. Like always so I'm stressing the hell out.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Im smarter then what i feel

"Because! Its how my brain is wired!!"

"No its not. Its how you turned your thinking into...people are born with brains with natural instincts saying survive no matter what, you over time started to change your natural way of thinking. You need to change it back, or you will die, not to be able to have kids and your life will not be what it could have been."

How? How can I make someone who doesn't understand, understand what it is. What I am? How I see the world. How I live even if its not living...but yet it completes me??? It is me and I am who I am. How could you make a blind man see? How could you turn a red rose white??? How could I not be me?

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Cramps

So I binged yesterday lets start from what I had at the beginning so we can point at the fat pig.

5peices of sushi

1bowl of ice cream

4chocolates

5chips

2sticks of celery

5slices of cucumbers all with ranch dip.

Then I drank maybe 2 bottles of vitamin water and some OJ.

Gosh that's a lot of food.

I exercised ALOT but With my period I'm holding back all my liquids and stuff when I weighed I gained 3lbs from The binge. But Im not sure if I'm going to weigh today.

I even purged a little but still my fatass Is moving gravity fuck.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Fuck

I totally fucking hinged even if it was healthy I fucked myself up.

I'm such a fucking fatass failure.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Ice cream

Well I binges on ice cream I'm not proud of it but yeah.

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Ohh

Ooh tummy cramps and ice cream. Don't you just love Bing a women??? Goshness I'm gonna nap or something. Blah good cure to it I guess. Well getting smashed and taking some pain meds might help too but hey make do with what you got right.

Be strong be strong move on.

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Damned sushi

I'm so mad damned sushi leftovers. Fml. I wanted to purge it all up but my throat something's wrong. Its so sensative that it makes me want to cough and tickled. So That option went out of the window.

I did 100 jumping jacks to make up for it. Bit I'm such a fat shit.

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Fasting

So I'm gonna try and do a vitamin water fast today. 0 Cal intake and some cardio. Wish me luck sexy people.

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Month almost over

This month is almost over and I have not yet reached my goal for this month. I'm the same as yesterday which means. I gotta loose 7lbs to reach this months goal....

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Sushi

I lost another pound today and its now visable to see my ribs popping out against my shirt. Lol but it looks like fat to me. Boo.

But any ways I ate some sushi my weakness I feel Like such a fatass.

Hah I want to purge but I don't want to. Its so hard!!!

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I want to help you

So yesterday my new Guy friend somehow talked me into eating at least something. He pried it out of me the night before about my e.d. and now he wants to help me. I just don't know if he can or if I want him to.

The damage: 5 spoons of ice cream 4 slices of cucumber with light ranch dip. And some diet coke.

He's of good heart and he wants to help but...its something in me that can't come to some conclusion if help would Really help. I dunno.

I support Ana and it is my life. I'm pro-ana and somehow I can't change what I believe in.

And the facts are I am going to die from Ana. That will aventually kill me and I don't care.

Its confussing me.

I meet someone strong and driven. Just as strong minded and willed as I am. But we both are on one giant cliff. He's climbing up while I'm jumping off hoping that ill be thin enough to fly...

Stay strong move on. Reason vs. Reality. Who wins? Body or mind?

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Pressure

I can really feel the pressure now. Man. Its really killing me.

Especially now that I measured how tall I was I've lost bone mass and two inches..

I was 5'2 then 5'1 1/2 now 5'0

And I dunno how this happened.

But I guess I do and I just don't want to realize that my conclusion might be the right one.

Stay strong move on.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Pressure

I can really feel the pressure now. Man. Its really killing me.

Especially now that I measured how tall I was I've lost bone mass and two inches..

I was 5'2 then 5'1 1/2 now 5'0

And I dunno how this happened.

But I guess I do and I just don't want to realize that my conclusion might be the right one.

Stay strong move on.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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..haha funny

So I was up maybe till 0400 in the morning. Doing some talking with a nice Guy that I was introduced to so I am very thrashed.

But I did drop two pounds but actual weightloss would one pound but I am still at my lowest from after recovery yay.

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Turned into a binge.

Well fuck it turned into the binge. When I got home I'm so upset. I tried purging but nothing. I know my last weigh I gained two pounds but I'm gonna say a soils four just to keep me concentraded even tho it might be off. I'm not going to weigh for two days and do another hardcore liquid fast again. I gotta loose it. Hopully my matabolism did speed up some to help me out.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Hourly

12- 100 Cal pack

1- 1 bite granola bar

2- 4 bites granola bar


And I started this weekly plan. Like fasting one day then restricting the next. Ill try it. My body need more nutrition

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Skinny boy thinspo

 Here's a cool YouTube video 

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Great thinspo

 Here's a cool YouTube video 

Stay strong!!

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Amy says by. Flyleaf

 Here's a cool YouTube video 

Well this is one of my face songs by flyleaf I think its the unmixed version so You can hear clearly what she's saying. But I just like the lyrics.

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My mom supporting me?

Well I couldn't believe it my mom is supporting me through a juice fast. She's like cool about it before she would freak out if I didn't eat. And now she's supporting this....I don't get it. Its freaking me out like normally she would freak

I dunno if this is a good thing. Oh and for my next hour snack will be a 100 Cal Quaker rice cake pack. Yummy.

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11 a.m

2 Mac nuts and three cookies.

These things are small. Sometimes I don't go by calories but by weight consumption which seems to work well for me. I just hope it doesn't kick me in the ass later.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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For the emo boys

 Here's a cool YouTube video your so sexxy

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10 a.m.

So I took a walk back up and back down the fourth floor stairs. I had

Two cookies and two chocolate covered Mac nuts.

I want to cry. But I think I can do it.

Sleeping with the enemy

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Next

9 a.m. two Oreo cookie none Of that gross white icing tho. I scraped that off.

But I'm kind of freaking out. I mean food is the enemy but I really really need to have my matabolism boost itself a bit. And if I stop now my body is gonna freak out and turn it into fat. Omg. That would make me go into a coma.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Okay at 7 a.m.

At 7 I had two prices of sushi. Its almost 8 so I might have another two pieces of sushi not sure but ill keep it updated.

And just had a good walk going up and down the fourth story floor of my moms hotel that she works at. Good to help my aching legs.

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Matabolism raise

Well I've decided that I'm going to attempt to raise my matabolism today. Something small low cal every hour. And walking around.

I've done this before it does work its just the Ana demons that stop me from doing it food! Eh.

But I gotta stop purging my teeth are starting to get fucked up. I made a appointment with my dentist for next next next month I gotta be a good girl by then. Try not to purge.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Sleepy eyed

Well well well I'm back down. Just gotta keep it up today.

But man I was still so sore and stiff today well this morning I couldn't drive my mom to the office and horribly exhausted. But I didn't want to give up my chance to leave the house so I went despite the pain I am in right now.

I wish it would go away.

I need to stay strong today.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Water fasting

Well I'm still going strong. My legs are still as sore as hell but I can't help it.

But I got some coffee ice cream today that's been calling my name in the freezer. Noooo I must resist you!!! I'm finally back down that damned pound.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Strength

STRENGTH:

S- strength in myself

T- temptation

R- reaching and going beyond

E- energy to go forward

N- never giving in again

G- goal weight reached

T- talking yourself out of it

H-  hate for what you see reflecting back at you

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Damn morning weigh

Well I was so sure I was gonna be down today but I'm still the same.

I can feel that wonderful girls time of the month coming along and I missed a few of my birth control pills (which means its gonna be a hardcore bitch attack). So I know I'm retaining the damned water.

Well and to top it all off. I didn't feel the pains of my work out yesterday but holy hell I sure did this Morning. Stiff as a board could hardly make it out of my room or even bend down to use the bathroom. Funny huh? Hahahaha well I know I can laugh about it now.

Yay fast today and going out!!! Lets spend hard earned money.

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Water fast

So I told my mom that I was water fasting tomorrow. I gave her the excuse that all the diet sodas and juice I've been drinking has been making me feel weird. Like kidneys hurting or something.

She baught it. I don't think my dad did tho. He kind of snorted at the fact. But he wont say anything because mom said it was okay.

Hahahaha revenge is sweet from yesterday.

So wish me luck. I don't feel pressured out to eat tomorrow now.

Where supose to go out and get a new microwave oven and some other household stuff tomorrow.

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Haha bite me.

Lol so today I was harassed on MySpace for being a fake. Well got me all mad so I ate a bit.

But my proof pic prooved yeah wrong. Lol and he apologized so I'm all happy happy happy about that

Not so much that I ate but still the same weight if I'm lucky ill be down tomorrow. But I dunno what ever. I'm still going strong at least it wasn't twenty pounds. I'm so determined right now!

Heather heather is a sexy bitch. I wish I could be just like her. My scenespo. <3

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...

I feel like such a fatass. My mom is flipping thru a magazine gosh I'm so fat compared to those models.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou

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SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Prety good vid

 Here's a cool YouTube video 

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I feel like shit

For some reason I just feel like shit. I get to go out of the house but still shitty. Get to spend money but still shitty. Fml.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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Up.

Even with all my efforts I'm up a pound but I get to fast and shop today.

SoftyxScenexlovesxyou
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