Black and

White

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Why

Why can't I be as perfect as you miss Jennifer

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Last night

Okay why do old bfs half to raise from the dead when you finally have a shot at real happiness?  Idk Kay 1 a.m. in the morning he rose from the dead. Talk about the wrong time of day to sing me a fucking sonnet any wayy battle of the hair continues.

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Fawk

Well having a weird mood swing broke down crying for no damned reason boy do I feel pathetic

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Ooh

Well this is one of my face pics that really made me want to do the white.

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Black vs. White!!

And on the left side of the ring we have the lovely heather heather LOL okay I'm bored trying to distract myself from eating sorry sorry sorry

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Feeling

Well I was just laying on the couch watching memoirs of a geisha pretty damned good thinspo gong Lee is gorgeous in it. I Like watching it haha.

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Thinspo for breakfast!

 Watch "REAL GIRLS UBPEAT THINSPO DOWN ON YOU" on YouTube 

And still having the hair battle!

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Okay

 Watch "White Scene Hair" on YouTube 

It was okayy a good demo I guess

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The battle of black and white hair

Or I could just do this LOL you know what I think ill turn this Into something to focus on. For maybe about a week ill display black and white hair Just to decide what's going to win me over....or maybe both haha  ^_^

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Black or white

Ooh its such a big thing!!!! I can't decide if I want to keep the thought of doing my hair white or do it black.

The benifits of

white:  being that its to the lightest color around I can do pretty much anything with it such as dye it pink or green. BUT the only problem is is every so often I will half to do a regrowth which takes money and time to add in to a busy schedual.

Black: dark enough to not need regrowth treatments complaments my gold eyes and looks good emo/scene BUT to get it light to put in my favorite colors takes time relighting it and letting it fade. Plus I already had it black several times which makes me get tired of it fast. And a lot of scene girls do the black hair look....and uughhhhh I'm tired of it.

So what do you think?

Plus I have time to think about it. I'm letting my hair rest and grow longer before I make the big change on my hair.

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Closer

So the closer I get to my birthday the more I'm stressing over what I want.

Okay okay loosing weight we all know would be the best birthday present ever!!! But I do want to flaunt something. I told myself ooh make up woowoo but I've been thinking tattoo or belly piercing the only thing is is I don't want to do it if I look like a fatass ewwww

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Binge

Put on the tragic romance movie. Bagel doughnut pop tarts. The carbs should have made me dropped dead right there. Fml

But i did get to go to mac today and pick up some makeup. I cant wait to go to cosmotology school.

Im takong it rough this ulcer is kicking me in the ass. I got some activia yogurt. 70 cals 16 carbs i think. Not bad maybe if i restrict to just one cup of that everyday maybe it will help cure my issue. And maybe it will help me loose weight????

So hard to stay posotive these days i just blahhh

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Damn HELP ME GUYS

My tail bone isn't healing that quick I hate looking like a old lady gripping her arm rests and pushing herself slowly out of her chair bleeeeehhhh. But anyway that's not what I'm worried about.....

Then of course my tummy is having stress issues....again. acid tummy blood in my urine and stool. Gassy bloating spitting up blood. Ulster is back.... I had it before when I was in school then my parents took me out along with the fact I was put in other places to gain weight. This was when I was my highest stress levels and I can feel it. But at least this time I know the symptoms and can catch it.

But its still a hard thing to deal with. I know eating helps creamy things like chocolate mostly. And carbs like breads.

Anywho I know You guys can't give Me a happy pill. And I know most of you guys might say go to the docs. But....if anyone had the same thing as me. Was there anything special that you used to help ease the acid and the runs? I tried peptobismol and stuff but I was Just curious if you had home remadies that might you know ease the pain while I mend myself back together..????

Thankies guys I love you!!!

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Stressing.

I ate. Maybe to much and to late at night. Blah I want to purge but my tummy likes it it feels less upset fuck.

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Poisoned

Damn I thought I would be so smart and take some diet pills yesterday I know I over did it. So today I consumed less and I thought you know some pills would give me a boost right? Wrong. Nausia throwing up the runs and freaking fever came over me. The cure was a cup of cereal and mango. Fuck

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Tan it

I decided to use Ms hannie Dropkick as a my inspiration

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I like it

 Watch "Kim Kardashian make up (inspired look)" on YouTube 

I've been thinking about straying into a different scene look. Like I'm so use to to the pale girl scene look I was thinking I live in Paradise why don't o try a more bronze scene girl look. My hair iS no longer black its actually going thru the process of being blonde and toned silver and white. So I'm trying to grow it out long but so lately I haven't been keeping up with my scene look which just kills me.

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Uhohh

I totally binged purged but not enough of it. Don't be surprised if I o.d. on diet pills

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Great tutorial

 Watch "Black & Orange smokey eye (make up tutorial) by Little Kiva" on YouTube 

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Make me thin$

 Watch "Thinspo - Written in the Stars" on YouTube 

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Eeh

Sometimes I wish I could feel weightless all the time. Well I'm down six pounds but I still have like thirty more pounds to go. Eek

And yesterday I felt so bad for eating a salad I tried to purge but I feel guilty about purging to ugghh!

I stressed myself out. And I pretty much freaked out the other day and had a meltdown it was awful.

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Damn cotton tail

Well Easter you know What that means candy!!! But good for me I escaped my fate and went to work with my mom this morning. Nothing like a pair of heels and some sun to hide from candy.

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Just thinking

You know I was just thinking. Why is it when a girl doesnt eat everyone thinks OMG she must be starving herself and she must be this she must be That that's just so unhealthy. But when a Guy doesn't eat they just shrug and go 'oh okay'  

I must be missing something right? Like why the change towards them. Is it the media always covering on girls or is it in our minds to let the guys so what ever they want. I mean yeah they do studies about us women and our weight issues. But guys are just as shallow. You think that a Guy goes to the gym to pump iron for his health? Hell no he's pumping iron to work the muscles in his hands so he can grab good ass. Its attraction. So why do you gotta focus on us women? Idk maybe its just the left over p.m.s.



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Damn

Well my binge purge plan backfired on me couldn't get it all up. Guess that's the price for being a idiot.

But I had a nice long walk with my mom. We discussed things about my o.c.d and my e.d. she was quite understanding I was a little surprised but I guess that she Just wants me to be happy.

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Purge it now

I hinged just so I could purge. Mostly water is only coming IP. I'm gonna give it a few minutes then try again. I'm obsessed with weighing cuz I know if I go over a few ounces I gain and I fluxed Like three pounds so I need to purge It back down. I want to loose not gain.

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Damn you tail bone

Geeeeze I bruised my tail bone the only thing I could really figure out that did it was those darned exercise machines at the gym. It hurts planning on going to the doctors maybe. But I'm a little weirded out about doctors these days. So I think I'm gonna do home percription. Ice pack advil and laying on my tummy no sitting. Cuz it hurts bad when I sit.

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Coffee

Well I couldn't help myself so I had some coffee just one cup and that's all I'm gonna do for the day.

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Oh gosh coffee

Omg. I'm dieing for some coffee right now. But I'm doing my best to try and keep count of all the liquid I drink today. I need to stay focused.

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Water fast

I decided that I'm gonna start a water fast instead of liquid. I have a hunch that my creamy sweet coffee is my culpret in this...tragic fast. So water. I'm not going to weigh tho I had enough stress for one week. Just gonna stay strong for four days then surprise myself. Maybe my period will end and it will all be good.

So I purged what I could today then took a few diet pills. Hoping a damned miracle will happen. But I mostly took them to make me feel good.

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Bbbleh

Well I spent the morning crying need I say Why? 

But I did eat today pigged out. I am still so bloated. I hope that its my period that doing this to me. Cuz I never had this retaining before. And I really don't want to be anymore depressed I should be happy not sad.

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Fucking hunger

So I ate a leaf of salad. I just want to hang myself. I already purged up my coffee. I don't want to purge again it hurts my throat. But I'm tempted. Just need to work harder stay stronger I guess

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Iinnn

 http://thinspo.pink-pistol.net/index.php?page=

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Bloated

Well yesterday I fasted successfully. Today I'm feeling the bloating and the cramps. I'm trying my best to stay strong thank you'll. Ehh just another day to keep strong. Then tomorrow is my grandpa's birthday Eek were going there for a little party uhohhh

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Gone

Well I was up two pounds this morning but I've liquided fasted pretty well. Grr. Gotta keep up though damned period is just kicking me in all the wrong places. Yesterday I was so jealous of This asaian chick I saw in one of the clothing stores I swear she was like maybe 5'4 ish and OMG she must have been a size zero. I was so shamed I almost went into the dressing room just to cry.

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Mood swing

Man I am just not feeling good at all. I mean all I want to So is cry of fucking throw something across the room. Blah. Damnit. I'm just having awful mood swings right now. Thinking about all the wrong stuff and how I need this Or need that. I'm just not in a good way and seeing that number on the scale this morning Totally just fucked me over big Time. I did not need to see that..

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Fuck

Okay all I had was soup coffee and a slice of banana bread yesterday and what I gained a pound. This isn't fare. Fuck. I mean what the hell can I do.  Starving is my life......like really.  I considered starving a option at one point. But now do I seriously half to make it official that that's the only way I'm gonna be happy with myself. I guess so fucking shit. Now I need to be more strong. More everything if I even want a shred of happiness Because right now I'm not happy. I'm just fed up with myself

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Wheres my moment

Gosh I just been having one of those days. Picking at my skin hating more then just the fact that I'm fat. I keep looking at all my imperfections. Like the fact that I have stretchmaks on my tummy when I never use to have them. Or my skin isn't as tight and firm as it use to be. Or how my legs look fat and bulky not long and lean like they always were.

I had a lot of coffee and soup today even a slice of banana bread. Fuck I know I screwed myself up. I can just feel it. I can feel my fat getting fatter. It just plegues me so damned much. I just hate myself.

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Nightmares

I keep having awful nightmares. I don't know how to make them go away. I'm not so sure if there even is a cure. I only slept about two hours last night. The horrible nightmares too real. The ones that could really pleg a persons life...while your awake.

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Why

Why aren't I you?

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Soup

We'll I had a few spoon fulls of tomato soup. It was good but I feel Like a fat shit ughhhh. I don't want to be this fat anymore.

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Uuuhh

Well yesterday was too interesting for me. I was so utterly mad and depressed and freaking out that I ate. I had a sandwich and some chips yesterday. Today I'm starting a four day fast.

I'm trying to male mango bread right now. Just to try and Do something but idk. I think I might have put to much sugar but I really don't know.

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Eek

I'm stressing ill be a fat bride omg

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Fainted because

I fainted Because he asked me to marry him.

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Bored

I am so bored right now that I could just stuff my face out of boredom. Eeeeeeeeeeekkkkk fatty fatty fatty.



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I need it

I need perfection that's why my tummy is growling I want more bones. But I'm hungry maybe coffee will help me Oh Bleh. Gotta be down ten pounds by the end of the month I think I can do it.

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Yet another day

Well I did pretty good yesterday but the thinner the better. So I had myself some coffee. I'm still trying to decide if I feel good enough to go to the gym tomorrow. Cuz I still feel like crap.

But anyways I'm bored so naturally I'm making food. Pineapple upside down cake. Good thing I'm not a real pineapple fan. But it makes the house smell good. And I'm due to have another coffee so yay!!!

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Well

Well I'm feeling better. I decided to stretch and practice my ballet maybe it will help get my mind off of things. So I'm gonna fast for four days. I know I can do it. Its just will I have the strength to do it.

I haven't been able to get into my splits these past few times I tried. Idk I know I half to keep trying Because I know I can do it. I just want it all right now.

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Scared

I'm puking pure acid not food. I'm freaking out. Like I've never had this kind of vomit before. And idk. I feel like fainting. This just doesn't feel right. In freaking out.

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Over ate

Omg I just over ate so much I'm puking all over the place. Omg. I barley made it to my trash can at least OMG.

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Why

Why is it when I get bored I make food? Ugh I need a better hobby

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